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| ella and rain are nice and big and fluffy. we've had them for about a month and a half now.
our lease is up april 1st so i better have a new job before then so we can renew it.
that being said...i don't have a new job yet. shit sucks.
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| christmas in missouri was great.
james got me two kittens about a week ago. they're ella and rain and we adopted them from one of his friends because otherwise they would've ended up put to sleep. they're completely sweet and sooo funny. i love them.
i'm searching super hard for a new job and a photographer to do my portfolio in exchange for something that isn't money or sexual. it's not fun.
i'm so sick of bills.
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| til i go to missouri for christmas.
i'm taking a plane so this time maybe my car won't get wrecked.
probably getting fired from peach state. think i did from target.
starting modeling soon.
end.
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| i really haven't written since june, huh? wow. i remember promising myself i'd write something every day. guess i've been caught up in life. i mean it's not like anyone reads this...it's really for my own benefit...but still. i fail at keeping promises to myself.
so basically:
-i now have two jobs. i work at the target portrait studio in woodstock and as a telemarketer at peachstate construction in marietta. they're cool. i work at peachstate more than target but i'd like it to be the opposite.
-james and i are completely happy together i am glad to say. we have our spats but i'm super in love with him and i know he feels the same about me. we've been together for over two years now...dec 4 will be the REAL day he asked [told] me to be his girlfriend but it'll be our 27 month. it seems like it's been a lot longer. i met his dad and grandma d and granny over thanksgiving and he said they really like me :D
-i'm trying to get my shit together so i can start school at semester but i'm not sure how it'll go. i really don't even want to go to perimeter now but i don't have time to apply at ksu now. i'll grin and bear it.
-currently, we've lived in our townhouse for almost 9 months. we either renew our lease or move out april 1. we're trying to decide what we want to do right now. it's between this, buying a townhouse [with help from my mom] or moving out of state. the townhouses we're looking at are in a much better location with a grocery, gas station, restaurants, the mall and the highway all right within less than a mile and mostly just at the front of the neighborhood. and they're cute and a good price. we just don't know if there will be any available when the time comes. and both of us have been thinking about completely pulling up roots and starting over, but we don't know where. i don't want to be far away from family and i don't want to feel like i'm tearing him away from his. my vote is either tennessee or columbia, missouri. we'll see.
-i started seeing a psychologist about a month ago. i don't really like it. she laughs at me when i talk and i don't feel like anything is getting accomplished. she brings up money every time and it's annoying. her advice sucks. she tried to sell me a cd for like 20 bucks. and if/when she decides to put me on medication, i have to see a psychiatrist and pay more money to see them. i don't like it. i'd rather just save my money. i've been this way my whole life and i haven't died or been put away so whatever. i know it was my decision to see her but i'm revoking that idea and just talking to my friends about shit instead. boo!
-i eat too much taco bell. actually i eat too much mexican and fast food.
that's about it really. i'm bored with this. i'll try to update more often. later.
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| so i haven’t been getting online lately. i actually haven’t been near a computer in almost a week.
ready?
alright, so me and james broke up about 2 weeks ago. well, we hadn’t been getting along very well, and when he broke up with me i was sad but kind of relieved because our relationship was just getting sour. but we still chilled and stuff and he wanted to get back together and i was like ehhhh :/ but whatever.
to make things complicated, i have this guy friend who i had started hanging out with around the same time that me and james stopped getting along. he is also my bestie’s ex...they were only together for like 3 weeks and they basically hate each other. heh. i started talking to him because she was like "i want you to ask him what he still thinks about me blahblahblah" and since i didn’t give a shit i had done it, then we actually had some stuff in common and started talking, then hanging out. i’ll call this guy bob because i’m protecting the innocent haha.
so yeah...on tuesday last week, i had a friend over and hung out with him for awhile. i hadn’t seen him in a long time because james didn’t like him. so we chilled, talked, caught up, whatever. then i told him and my bestie that i had to go "talk to james" and left. but i just ended up driving around for awhile until "bob" asked me to hang out. he gave me directions to the place and i went. james called and i told him that i’d be home later that night. and...yeah. so i got there before "bob" and just talked to some of the people and chilled and stuff. we played a prank on some passed out drunk dude, listened to music and went to waffle house at like 2 or 3am. "bob" and i had sort of been circling and innocently flirting and just joking around since james and i had broken up but i never thought about it until that night. i mean, i just turned 20 and he’s turning 24 in december and older guys don’t tend to like me. so yeah anyways we left waffle house at around 4am and went back to the house to get our cars and he asked me where i was going. i told him i’d just drive around or something because i did NOT want to go home to the angry black man. so he invited me over to chill and i went. and we did not chill. we ended up hooking up and my bestie and james pretty much knew where i was and blew up my phone all morning. i finally left his house at like 11 or something that morning and james was LIVID and that day just all around sucked. now james is being this really weirdly sweet and loving guy and stressing me out.
so combined with the break up, the fact that i did what i did with someone i never thought twice about in that way, the fact that he’s my bestie’s freaking ex, trying to find a job, not having rent money this month, and a bunch of little things, i’ve been really stressed. i ended up apparently having a mental breakdown on friday and it’s been kinda escalating since then.
i have bipolar disorder. i don’t advertise it because i had it under control for months. i haven’t had an episode in a really REALLY long time. but now it’s coming back and is supposedly scaring james and my bestie because they see me the most and haven’t seen me like this before. i don’t even know how i brought myself to leave the house and write this, but i did. i keep randomly driving places and ending up lost and i’ve been super paranoid and accusing everyone of "fucking with me" but i don’t really remember. yesterday i was asleep and i woke up out of nowhere and started screaming that i needed to find the sims. it’s gotten to the point where james is taking off work to make sure i’m okay.
so...that’s what’s been happening this past week.
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